Gruesome Twosome Part One

December 26, 2011 by

 Gruesome Twosome Part One So far, I’ve blogged approximately 10,000 words (one word for every lover I’ve taken) about how to land a boyfriend. I think the time is nigh to start dishing out advice on what to do when you actually land one. Admittedly, I know as much about sustaining a relationship as Kirstie Alley knows about sustaining a reasonable weight, so I’m going to focus on what NOT to do. I’m not talking about pressuring him into marriage, or revealing your penchant for Royal Doulton figurines; I’m talking about what not to do in a relationship out of respect for those of us who AREN’T in one. This is important, so listen up:

DON’T: Hold hands with each other and walk in the middle of a busy sidewalk, particularly if you’re moving at a pace slower than my metabolism. Remember that there are single people trying to get past you and we’re always in a hurry, lest we miss out on the kind of blissful happiness you two have found before we die empty and alone. Coming through!

DON’T: Feed each other in a restaurant. Did I miss the memo that explains what makes two people shoveling primavera sauce down each other’s throats romantic? I’ve tried it once, and my date hacked off a piece of steak the size of a fist and tried to shove it in my mouth. For the rest of the date I couldn’t stop dwelling on the fact that he probably considered that a normal-sized bite for me, believing me to be the size of Ursula the Sea Witch. The only people who can pull off feeding each other are elderly couples (because let’s be serious, EVERYTHING elderly couples do is cute), and even they ruin it by taking out their teeth.

DON’T: Refer to yourselves as “we.” If your partner smuggled blood diamonds across the border in his/her anal cavity, “we” wouldn’t be going to prison, would “we?” So don’t think for a second that “we” are pregnant or even that “we” are excited for the weekend.

To be continued…

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