Gruesome Twosome Part Two

January 9, 2012 by

 Gruesome Twosome Part Two When I left off, I was channeling Miss Manners by presenting my etiquette guide for couples when they find themselves in foreign territory: around single people. Continuing on with our lesson…

DON’T: Try to make more couples. OK, so karma’s a bitch; before moving to Toronto I lived in a town where my friends and I would constantly try to orchestrate “meet-cutes” (those accidental “oops, y’almost hit me with your car!” encounters popularized in romantic comedies) between the only two gay guys at our school. At the time, it seemed like we were doing them a favor, but it’s glaringly obvious to me now that just because two people are gay doesn’t mean they’re compatible. And this lesson applies to more than just gay people–it’s something I’ve learned all too well on account of the number of dates I’ve been set up on just because I’m single. Being single isn’t like being a tornado chaser; you don’t just meet another tornado chaser and fall in love over your shared appetite for tornado chasing like Bill Paxton & Helen Hunt. That’s just circumstantial, like being a brunette or having three nipples. So I guess my point is, girlfriends, please stop trying to set me up with guys just because we’re both single, brunette and have three nipples.

DON’T: Ditch your friends. Would you quit your job without some sort of financial security? No. Then why would you jump headfirst into the relationship abyss without attaching yourself to a social safety harness? My biggest pet peeve is when a good friend takes a hiatus from your friendship to pursue other opportunities, only to return six months later expecting to slide seamlessly back into your friendship circle. You aren’t Tiffani Amber-Thiessen and this isn’t Saved By the Bell: The College Years. You can’t just run off without explanation and come back whenever you please. I know it’s tempting to submerge yourself in your relationship bubble every free moment you get, but sometimes it’s worth your while to swim up to the surface and wave hello to your friends. After all, you loved us first!

Other points I would like to include are showing up sobbing about your relationship only to turn around and announce your engagement one week later, and the rubbing of various relationship-related things in faces. Follow these ground rules, and who knows? Maybe one day we can all live in a world where single people and couples can co-exist in perfect harmony.

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