Before He Cheats

January 30, 2012 by

 Before he Cheats To me, cheating is the ultimate deal breaker. Ever since I was a little kid reading Betty & Veronica Double Digests and fantasizing about punching Archie in his nut sack, I’ve had bad feelings toward cheaters. It’s a no-brainer; if you’re a woman with any sense of self-worth, being alone is infinitely better than putting up with that kind of disrespect. But what drives me most crazy about men who cheat is the way that their cheating seems to bring out the worst in women; women who blame the “other woman” for the affair instead of the cheater; women who vow to “stand by their man” while sporting an expensive piece of forgiveness bling. These people are not role models; for me, the gold standard for women scorned will always be Roseanne Barr’s Ruth Patchett in She Devil. Maybe putting six cans of aerosol hairspray in the microwave and walking away stone-faced as your house explodes in the background is a little over-the-top, but you can’t argue that Ed Begley Jr. didn’t deserve his comeuppance. Revenge-seekers take heed: I’ve taken Ruth’s blueprints for revenge and given them a not-so-illegal twist!

DO: Make the punishment fit the crime. You might want to hold off on cutting his brake lines if the only cheating he did was during Scattergories.

DON’T: Target others. This is about the cheater, so taking it out on the cheater’s cat, dog, or mom is like hating the movie She Devil and taking it out on Meryl Streep. (Note to guys I’m dating: You’re NOT ALLOWED to hate the movie She Devil. )

DO: Be successful. It’s like that old cliché, being successful is the best revenge (besides being successful at putting Nair in his conditioner bottle).

DON’T: Break the law. Sometimes revenge backfires, but you don’t want to be thrown in the clink as a result. Unless your revenge plan involves fake-being thrown in jail, calling him, begging him to bail you out, then telling him you’re bailing out of this relationship and keeping the fake-bail he posted.

But the most important “DO” of all is to get over it. Once your hilarious revenge has been carried out, wipe your hands clean of the whole incident and move on with your life in true Ruth Patchett fashion. After all, there’s a reason we never saw a She Devil 2 (in spite of what I’m sure was relentless badgering from Roseanne Barr’s agent).

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