Parental Discretion Advised

February 13, 2012 by

 Parental Discretion Advised The biggest test of a relationship’s strength (well, besides hockey playoffs, ladies, am I right?) has got to be meeting the parents. Meeting the parents is the first time the realization sets in that not every family is the same, and the things you can get away with in your own household just won’t fly with the in-laws. And when things don’t fly, not only do they not fly, they crash spectacularly, like 5000 Arkansas-ian blackbirds. The potential for disaster is so high that people have written entire books about it. Ben Stiller even went so far as to write a movie about meeting the parents, though the name escapes me. Anyway, here are some tips I’ve assembled for avoiding such a disaster:

>DO: Make sure you understand their sense of humor. Just because your family may be deeply sarcastic doesn’t necessarily mean his family is. Case in point: I was once at a boyfriend’s place for his birthday dinner when his grandmother asked me if I liked her casserole. “Um, no (italicize),” I replied sarcastically. Just then his parents burst through the door with the cake singing, “Happy Birthday.” I never did get the chance to tell her I was kidding.

>DO: Dress a little bit slutty. Sounds crazy, right? WRONG. Dressing a bit slutty will ensure that you and his mom don’t show up to meet each other wearing the exact same thing, a scenario that is way more embarrassing than just dressing a bit slutty. Am I right?

>DON’T: Be pregnant. Being pregnant makes things a little awkward when you’re meeting the folks for the first time and surprise—you’re knocked up! But on the other hand, I guess it gives you something to talk about. I mean, instead of having to power through seven minutes of uncomfortable silence while your boyfriend washes up in the bathroom, you can talk with Grandma-to-be about rattles and diaper service. On second thought…

DO: Be pregnant.

These methods may seem a little unorthodox, but rest assured that I always follow my own advice and I haven’t had an awkward encounter with a boyfriend’s parents in over three years.*

*EDITOR’S NOTE: No boy has let Heidi meet his parents in over three years.