Idle Give Back

October 31, 2011 by

Idle Gives Back

Breaking up is hard to do, especially when the person you’re breaking up with has really great taste in DVDs. I once stayed in a four month long relationship 3 months longer than I wanted to, just so I could give myself time to finish all seven seasons of Buffy. (He had the collector’s edition box-set!)

If break-ups are like earthquakes, then the aftershock must be the realization that you have to hand over his rollerblades and beat-up denim jacket (the one that looks way better on you than on him, btw). But how do you know whether to bite the bullet and dump that box full of memories on his front porch, or whether to plead ignorance and deny even knowing he owned season four of Dexter? Here are the dos and don’ts of breaking up with his stuff:

DO: Return everything of his that he specifically requests (i.e. “I want my criminology textbook, Herbal Essences hair serum and the blender I brought to your place that day we made margaritas!) He knows.

DON’T: Return the love coupons he gave to you as gifts for Valentine’s Day. Those “Free Sex” gift certificates don’t have an expiry date, and you never know how desperate things might get 20 years from now.

DO: Slip something super lame into the box and say you just assumed it was his. “Oh, that Wynonna Judd “Christmas Duets” album isn’t yours? It just seemed like something you would own.” BUUUUUURN!

DON’T: Keep any sort of engagement ring after you dump him. If he proposed marriage and you responded with a “oh HELL to the NO!” Then you most certainly wouldn’t keep the ring. Why should it be any different when you say yes, then spend months hemming and hawing about it before stomping on his heart like so many bushels of vineyard grapes?

DO: Keep the engagement ring if he dumps you. Three words: Cash for Gold!

But the biggest “DO” of all? Always make sure you ask for “The last (blank) years of your life back.” It’s healthy to blow off a little steam by being a drama queen.

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