Sense of Humour
It comes up again and again, and it is always at or near the top of the list when women are asked what qualities they find attractive in a man. This is terrible from an evolutionary standpoint. It means that the most frequently sought-after trait in a mate is not height or strength or the ability to create that most elusive of elements: fire; it is instead the ability to make well-timed and clever observations/know a ton of blond jokes. This means that future generations will be less able to propagate the species, due to the fact that genetics are being ignored by today’s females. It also means that we, as a species, are giving birth to increasing amounts of klutzy and smart alecky kids.
Fortunately, it is also a goddamn lie. “Sense of humor” is tossed in there with “good job,” “steady income” and “blindingly handsome” as appealing traits like so many halved grapes tossed into an otherwise honest chicken salad. If it were true, there would be a lot more guys with a great sense of humor, and the UFC would not exist.
This is not the case. Funny guys have had to sit in the corner nursing their drinks while others’ biceps are mercilessly fondled. Funny guys have stayed away from the beach, where the ladies are, and gone to improv practice, where the vending machines are. And, above all, funny guys have too often been brutally pummeled in the center of the Octagon.
Holy shit. I just realized something. I think I might have just stumbled across something big.
It’s been a carefully constructed ruse this whole time!
Just read any article in any men’s magazine about what women find attractive. Sense of humor is in there not because it’s true, but because it has to be! Think about it. If funny guys had no hope of landing a lady, comedy would die out completely. Without comedy, what would the human race be but a dreary, humorless multitude of supermodels and Brock Lesnars?
Or what if making a sense of humor seem like a strength is to keep all the funny guys out of the gym and from their natural birthright?! A horde of ripped comedians is a terrifying prospect to the powers that be. As they lumber across the countryside belittling our elected leaders in front of large groups of people with their biting wit, so would they erode the very fabric of our society! As our politicians begin bowing to the psychological toll of being humiliated in front of their girlfriends, the comedic supermen, now unimpeded by what were once pale and wiry frames, begin replacing them! Taking over! Ruling us with an Ironic Fist!
So I take it all back. Ladies, you keep right on lying about finding funny guys attractive. Our very lives may depend on it.